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Moving. Just keep moving.
Oct. 21st, 2009
07:26 pm - Half a year zooms by.
Hello,
I'm tempted to close out this Blog, I feel like I got what I needed out of it, documented some really shitty years in my life.. maybe its time to shut it down.
Maybe in another few years. :)
Cheers,
Brian
May. 12th, 2009
03:03 am - Quarterly update.
Still hanging in there. Some car troubles, but had enough saved to keep the old tank running for a few more months. Some weird dreams.. it occurs to me that every house, apartment, whatever, everywhere I have lived is just one big apartment building in my dreamspace, with all the lives and people and rooms and closets all piled on top of one other. I've been seeing things that way in dreams for a long time, I suspect, and just recently understood what was happening.
Feb. 6th, 2009
02:38 am - Finds in the basement...
I've been staying at Iggy's place the last few weeks while Bucky and I wait for the house to close. While poking around the smoking room in the basement tonight, I came across a strange old cardboard box. Opening it up I found that it was filled with hundreds of scraps of paper.. most of it being poetry.
Frankly, none of it is very good.. but they covered a period of about forty years ('35-77) and are _incredibly_ depressing in content.. maybe not individually, but taken together the show a picture of a man growing older and growing more and more dissatisfied with his life and wife and of course, the one that got away. I'm just way too emo not to be suckered in by this. I mean, I'm just wowed by this...
A few examples:
Memory Moments
If you were in my arms this moment
then suddenly went your way,
that moment would be a memory
but a memory will always stay.
Then, what's a memory, my darling
but an image in the mind
That's why I am always making
an image of moments I would like to find.
I imagine how you would sit by me
how you'd use your lips and arms,
I imagine your words and voice dear
And the rest of your beautfiul charms.
So come to my arms, this moment
let the moment be a memory today
For my memory is clear and strong dear
and it keeps you with me always.
- 1/31/63
Another, from the same period...
She was so sweet on the day that we met
And our friendship would last until
death, I did bet
But another had claims on my affection and
love
And I lost my southern sweetheart
I still miss her yet
I lost my little lily
My sweet southern belle
I lost my little lily
And the way that I miss her
Words can't ever tell
She stayed in the south & I stayed in the
north
But the dearness of memories made future hopes
worth
A phone call a year, a letter now and then
But absence and distance
Caused the friendship to end.
One more, from three years earlier...
Keepsake Letter
I came across a letter
You said you'd put away
My letter my letters as a keepsake
Is it a keepsake still today
The perfume no more lingers
But the memory's still sweet and clear
I'm sorry I didn't know how
to see thru all you'd say
Many loves, have come and gone
Since our vows did fade away
Have there been so many loves
for you too, Lily-Mae?
Did you wed, Lily-Mae
Was that day, bright and gay?
Or, I wonder if you too
sit alone with your dreams.
And perhaps, just to brighten
Lifes fleeting sad memories
You read, and re-read
That keepsake still today.
Nov. 29th, 2008
05:59 pm - Hi Journal.
I've gotten so bad with updating you!
This is a zero content message, mostly to remind me to post something later. :)
Sep. 16th, 2008
10:41 am - November BT Intro..
The Black Tea Society Presents : Identity
“The Man would say little; and indeed he knew little, for the fathers of his people had told few tales of their past and a silence had fallen upon their memory. 'A darkness lies behind us,' he said; 'and we have turned our backs upon it, and we do not desire to return thither even in thought. Westwards our hearts have been turned, and we believe that there we shall find Light.'”
Tolkien, The Silmarillion
They answered again and said, let the king tell his servants the dream, and we will shew the
interpretation of it. The king answered and said, I know of certainty that ye would gain the time, because ye see the thing is gone from me.
The wise men answered before the king, and said, 'There is not a man upon the earth that can shew the king's matter. And it is a rare thing that the king requires, and there is none other that can shew it before the king, except the gods, whose dwelling is not with flesh.'
For this cause the king was angry and commanded that all the wise men of Babylon be destroyed.
The Book of Daniel 2:7-12
---
The darkness of the grave; and a forgotten dream that somehow goes on forever.. Life and mind return with a jolt. You are lying on the floor of a stainless steel room, wearing clothes you do not remember owning. On further reflection, you are not even sure who you are. The only sounds are a faint hum from the ground and the whirl of fans set into the walls. What sort of place is this?
The door opens into another, larger room. As it does, memories flicker across your mind. A city in the clouds.. strange gossamer threads reaching up into the heavens.. then a momentary flash of blood and fire... and then those strange thoughts float out of mind..
You slowly rise to your feet. In that moment you remember your name. The past trickles into view. You know who you are.
But where the hell are you?
---
Welcome back to Black Tea. Please take a moment to go over your character sheet. The
staff will be glad to answer any questions you have. Please do not speak to anyone else.
Once you are ready, go where we tell you to. Remember to stay in character at all times
once the story has begun.
Thanks,
The Staff
Aug. 27th, 2008
08:32 pm - Songs..
" And if indeed, this was like, a first marriage
then you and I, together, can be like divorcees. "
- Rainer Maria
Aug. 11th, 2008
07:13 pm - Hello world,
Another month or so goes by, and another LJ post.
It certainly has been a rainy summer here in Buffalo. It has rained for the past few weeks every single day, and it seems like it will continue into the forseeable future. Don't tell, but I like it. I've always liked the rain, and it sure beats it being hot and sweaty all the damned time.
I'm at work right now, posting from my office and killing time while I wait for another fax to come in. (I've got three on my desk right now, but nothing due to cross for the next few hours) The intertubes can get a bit dull after a while, I think I might have run out of news sites to read.. I've become a serious political junkie over the last few months.. mostly because of the web access here at work I suppose.
The sun is shining inside my head, and everything seems pretty ok right now. I need to find a new roommate at some point in the next few weeks, but these things have a habit of working themselves out for the best, so I'm not overly concerned or flustered over the whole thing.
I'm growing a beard again. Exciting. :)
- Brian
Jul. 15th, 2008
07:23 pm - Directly calling someone out.
I would hope an old friend would have the courage to talk shit to my face. You know who you are, and hearing it from other people stings. I know we've been out of touch for the last few months, but thought we were on good terms, just schedules and friends pulling in opposite directions.
I hope whatever I'm hearing isn't true. Because I've always respected your opinions about me, and you've always been a help to me when I've been going through.. well, life. We've been friends for a lot of years.. and if we're not anymore, at least have the stones to say it to my face.
Gruffly yours,
Brian.
May. 28th, 2008
01:36 am - Bah
Every fucking time I think I've got my life all sorted out, it immediately crashes down around me.
I spent the last year working at Citi, working a temp, putting in my dues. Get hired as a Perm, nice raise, great benefits.. go to orientation today..
and promply get fired for having really bad credit.
Really? I mean, really? Honestly?
I in my heart that the universe is a random place, where shit just kinda happens, but on days like today, I real feel like I've got a bullseye on my forehead.
I don't have it particularly bad of course. I've got my health, and my friends, and a house over my head and all that.. but it seems like whenever I get school, or money, or relationship, or work Just about where I want them, immediately it all crashes down with a thump and I end up starting all over again.
I'm so bloody tired of starting over.
The boys from work brought me a bottle of Michael Collins, and I know I'll get a glowing recommendation from just about everyone in my department.. but.. you know.. ass.
cheerio,
b
Apr. 11th, 2008
12:51 am
April 10th 2008. Jesus, Ten years.
*has a thoughtful, ultimately happy moment*
We're in the final push to get every Black Tea related done. We're really going balls to the wall this year, I hope everyone in the usual gang agrees.
Well, a couple more characters to write. Wish me luck everybody.
- Bri
Feb. 13th, 2008
01:17 am - Can't anyone in the media do math? (Brian can!!)
So, Obama is up by about a hundred delegates right now among pledged delegates. And the news programs seem to be abuzz with how close the race is now.
It is not close. It has not been close since Super Tuesday. Now, if we assume (a big assumption, but I think a fair one) that the superdelegates won't tear the democratic party apart by selecting the candidate behind in the pledged votes.. then the race seems to be pretty much over.
Lets assume that aside from a tight obama win (7 delegates to 6) in his homestate of hawaii, he loses every race for the rest of the campaign. Lets further assume that he doesn't only lose.. he gets slaughtered.. say, by 33%.. then we get this: [warning, back of the envelope calculations follow]
3253 pledged delegates
1627 for plurality of pledged delegates
obama has 1059*
clinton has 956*
Hawaii = 13 delegates = 6/7 Clinton = 962 Obama = 1066
Wisc = 48 delegates = 30/18 clinton = 992 Obama = 1084
Ohio = 92 delegates = 60/32 clinton 1052 Obama = 1116
Rhode = 13 delegates = 9/4 clinton 1063 Obama = 1120
Texas= 126 delegates = 84/42 clinton 1147 Obama = 1162
Vermont = 10 delegates = 6/4 clinton 1153 Obama = 1166
Wyoming =7 delegates = 4/3 clinton 1157 Obama = 1169
Mississippi = 22 delegates = 12/10 clinton 1169 Obama = 1179
(Miss = march 11)
mid April = Penn and Hillary can move ahead if she wins comfortably.
* delegates are as of 2/13 at 1:20am
Hilary can't catch Obama until APRIL at the earliest. With the democrats delegate system of proportional delegates, it is very difficult to make up the kind of ground Clinton needs to make up. Also, the current pledged delegate counts are lagging a bit, as they have not all been handed out for the most recent primaries ( the ones Obama won), so his delegate lead is probably going to get even larger before next tuesday.
Let me be blunt, Obama is not going to going to suddenly start losing by 33%, when he has been winning by 33% for the last week. Unless he does something monumentally stupid, or the party decides to destroy itself, this race is over.
Obama is going to be the Democratic Parties nominee.
Jan. 10th, 2008
02:52 am - A dream
So I had this dream. Very cinematic affair. Real $150 million dollar blockbuster of an affair. Starring Jason Statham as Matthew Wallace, a mechanic in a difficult situation.
He's fallen for a girl. But the girl has some troubles of her own. Some past business that is getting in the way. Mobsters and Ninjas, that sort of thing. Finally things come to blows, and our hero is forced to lay the smack down.
He takes out a lot of bad guys in a big car chase. I remember there was a scene in a tunnel where cars were just flying all over the place. He is gunned down by the bad guys though, and for a few moment he lies, apparently mortally wound in the seat of his car.
Hurt badly, but apparently not mortally, he crawls out of the car (which is sinking into a lake by this point), and heads off into the woods.
There is a clearing in the forest where everything goes quiet, there are four strange creatures, each built willowy like trees, but seemingly made of wet grey plastic. These strange beings are sitting prostrate before an ancient stone altar. Two on each side. There is someone with our hero, (is it a voice inside his head?) who tells him that these are aliens from a distant world, and they have come here to worship the element of the forest. Apparently this element takes the form of a rarely seen old and gnarled old spirit.
Wallace searches for this creature.. he could certainly help him with his mob related problem after all. He catches a fleeting glimpse of something old and green, lurking in the woods in the distance. The green man, I suppose you could say. Empty handed, he returns back to the castle where his lady fair has been taken captive.
Hurt badly, he crawls (leaving blood behind him), under a crib (?). He apparently has some small talisman of the green man that keeps him safe, and he hides under that crib for five years (during that time the crib becomes a bed, and the baby a small boy. The boy is the only one who can see the badly wounded and slowly regenerating hero.
Finally, Wallace has healed enough to move.. but he is unable to get out from under the bed.. he has grown too big under there.. or perhaps the bed is just too small. Either way, he's all sorts of pinned.
We move back to the woods. The green man is aware of our heroes plight, and seems to be sympathetic to his cause. He tells his four worshippers that he must go to help the hero. And one of the worshippers, a strange gnarrled old creature, agrees to go and help. Using their magic, they make themselves look like men.
The castle is filled with all sorts of Bad Dudes with guns and the like. The two creatures devise a plan to lure the men out. The worshipper (who looks like a grizzled old man now.. sorta reminicent of Gaiman's Odin), throws bits of junk from his pocket onto the ground, and as he begins to hum a strange tune, the junk becomes gold coins. With a mind of their own, the gold coins roll into the castle, and the thugs are distracted by the coins to that the two beings are able to gain entrance (the coins will only stay coins as long as the odin-alien can keep whistling, but his lungs seem to be large and up to the task, though the green man seems unsure he'll be able to keep it up long enough).
They reach the child's room where Wallace is trapped, and the Green Man frees him. Telling him that now he is free of his wounds and free to do as he likes.
Wallace pulls his gun, and is looking for payback. He's going to find the girl, and everything will work out after all.
There follows another big fight scene as Wallace fights his way up to the top of the castle where the women he loves is.. but she's there with her mob-boss of a love, and seeing them, he quietly turns and walks away. And going back to slaughtering ninjas, he slaughters away.
There follows another long car chase, and he finds himself back in the woods.. and there the green man shows him the car that he was so badly wounded in all those years ago. His body there is moldy and disintergrating.. and Wallace takes a moment to reflect on how silly it is that he was once that moldering pile of bones.. how strange that was all he was. the head rolls off the skeleton, and Wallace thanks the Green Man for his help. The car and body go back into the water.
Wallace walks away down an old dirt road. Credits roll.
---
interesting.
Dec. 31st, 2007
12:22 pm
Happy new year everybody.
I've got a bit of a bad track record with New Years. But I'm optimistic about this one going at least all right. *grin*
Work sleep work sleep.
You know the drill. I keep on truckin'.
Nov. 10th, 2007
12:36 am
Wow. Ten weeks since my last update.
Finally finished Frightworld. It was a good experience, but I'm glad to be done with it. I've never had a job where I've been punched quite so often before. I'm not exactly anxious to repeat the experience anytime soon.
You can tell winter is arriving. The days are dark, though the trees aren't quite bare yet.
Some days are harder than others. This was a very trying day. Don't know what else to say besides that. Much love for all you out there in LJ land.
I wonder if you still check here.
- b
Aug. 26th, 2007
06:35 am - Watching the sun rise out my window
Damn you LJ. I just wrote a really long post.. and for the first time in quite a while I was damned happy with it. Of course you ate it. Jerkface livejournal. Silly me for not writing in a word processor first.
Love is a difficult concept. And I don't mean that in a dictionary definition sort of way.. I mean it in a wrapping your head around groking sort of way. I've been struggling the last few days with some old loves. A few women I haven't heard from in a while, or in one case, seen in a while, suddenly appeared to wreck a bit of havoc with my equilibrium.
I'm thinking back to how these things began. Love sneaks up quick when it happens. I know that part. Sort of like a thief in the night with a two by four. One moment passes, and you don't own part of your heart anymore. Somebody else has it, and you're rather hopeful they don't do anything particularly rash with it.
I've been in love, and had it reciprocated, twice in my life. I'd never really thought about it in those terms before tonight. I would think only of the girls whom I've loved. I'm a self-centered sort of guy, so that sort of reasoning is very much like me.
In my defense though.. love fooled me. For essentially seven of the last ten years, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by love. Love fracturing and splintering for long stretches there.. but love none the less.
I went from one love, eight months later to the next. And I don't think it ever occurred to me before tonight how _obscenely_ lucky I was. It seemed more like the natural order of things.. this is what happens between a boy and a girl. Add water and watch the pretty fireworks.
But, it occurs to me now. That is clearly _NOT_ the fucking natural order of things. I was amazingly naive.. and what's worse.. I took something.. two things perhaps to do them both justice.. but two things for granted. I took for granted that love is something that isn't particuarly hard to find.. and while its effects can be devastating.. well.. that's just sort of the nature of the beast, right?
Love is not something that happens. At least reciprocated love. Lord knows there have been a handful of women who I started, began to allow myself to love, over the last few years. But in those cases.. the wiring was bad.. the situation didn't work.. or something else entirely and nothing ever came of it. There have been women who loved me. Or at least who crushed hard on me.. and I find myself pushing them away. Not through any fault of theres.. but because it seems like that spark is just missing.. the wiring just doesn't connect up in some way.
Love turns out to be surprisingly hard to tame. To get all the elements to balance out. To get the electricity going. To make it all fit. To make it magic.
I know, naive naive naive. But that's my point. I had two of these amazing electric messy random wonderful connections.. and over the course of years, I lost them. Boo hoo. Brian is his emo self.
But.. it occurs to me tonight, that I've been a lucky bastard to have been so damned fortunate in the first place. I'm actually feeling quite chipper over the whole thing at the moment. Although that might just be an early sign of sleep deprivation.
It'll happen a third time, or it won't. That's just the way of it. I hope it does happen again.. but if it doesn't anytime soon, that's all right by me. I shouldn't get greedy over such things.
... or something like that, my first post was longer, better, and had this nice reference to Orpheus that I was really happy with, but couldn't reproduce. The short version is.. I'm an idiot, and hopefully next time.. even though I've never taken any of my loves for granted.. I have taken love itself for granted.
Nite.
Aug. 2nd, 2007
11:51 am - Misc notes
Yay. Black Tea weekend is nearly here. Campout goodness.
It's too damned muggy.
I have too many shirts.
Blah.
*grin*
*waves to the BlogSphere*
Jul. 16th, 2007
01:43 pm - Hmm..
Still alive.
Surprisingly little of interest has happened in the last six weeks. Still working, still alive.
*raps fingers on keyboard*
I think I might have gotten boring at some point.
*grin*
Jun. 4th, 2007
01:14 pm
I hate how mundane reality intrudes on dreams.
I had a dream that I had an appointment with this really awesome tattoo parlor, and I was finally going to get all the work I ever wanted. text on my arm, symbol on my neck.. an one other that I couldn't remember in my dream.
Then my dreaming self remembered that my waking self wouldn't have the cash for that at this very moment, so I got thrown out of the place.
Then there were dinosaurs. I'm not entirely sure how they fit into the grand scheme of things, but there they were. In a jungle.
- Brian
01:10 am - Cleaning out my folders
Sorting through my private journal, reading through some old notes. I wrote this a few months back.. forgot all about it. I thought I should post it. He was my great uncle, but the closest thing to a grandfather I ever really had.
"I realized today that I can't remember exactly when you died.
I know it was in my sophomore year in high school.. during the fall I think..
so I must have been October 1995. But the date.. I don't know.
When you died, no one in my family had any money. Your grave is marked only
with a small tag. Someday, I'll bother to actually visit.
You weren't my grandfather by blood. You were my great uncle.. you and my
great aunt were there for my family when we were young. Is funny.. most of
what I remember when I think about you comes from that last week before you died.
I remember.. I remember my brothers and my mother we just leaving from your
house, we had been there for a while that day.. been down to Caz park earlier
actually. We sat under the fall trees.. I remember there were lots of bees
that day.. sleepy old angry autumn bees.. but I remember when we were leaving,
you told us a story about when you were in the war. Which was funny, because
you had never really told us about it before.
But you said, and I wonder how accurate the memory is.. but you said something
like this.. towards the end of the war, one of our bombers had gone down
in the pacific.. and a search party was organized to find it.. and you would
pick up signals from the lost plane.. but could never find a sign of it..
not a lifeboat, not a scrap of metal, not even a body.. but they called for
rescue all the same..
you looked off into the sky as you told us that story, then your said it again,
we never could find those boys. never could find a sign of them. we could
never bring them home.
The next night, your heart gave out and you died. You were seventy years
old.
I had never really thought much about the fact that you were a bachelor all
your life.. I know you never married. But there was a woman once, wasn't there?
I remember.. We had driven past a house once when I was small. I can't remember
what you said exactly.. but I remember the melancholy in your voice.
My mom tried to get in touch with her after you died, but I don't think she
could. She was very nearly deaf and maybe a touch senile. I can't remember.
there is so much I cannot remember. So much of life slips down the cracks into
forgetfulness.. its still there.. just out of reach.
The day you died, your sister gave me your wallet. I still have it to this
day.. and I hope to carry it with my all the days of my life. I don't have
much in the way of mementos of the past. objects don't seem to accumulate
around my family.. now that you and your sister are both dead.. we seem to
have lost so many things that were probably important to you. Relics from
the old country.. your old uniform (You were a sargent, I remember your stripes,
though I didn't know what they meant at the time).. all the little things that
probably had so many memories for you, so much meaning. All I have left, all
anyone has left, is my battered brown leather wallet.
You've been dead for half my life now. I can't believe it has been that long.
I miss you. I love you. I still dip my burger king bacon double cheeseburgers
in ketchup, the same way you used to. Sometimes it reminds me of you. "
May. 25th, 2007
02:51 am - Hey Yall
Well, how am I doing you ask? Well, pretty good. Not much new to report. I work and I sleep and occasionally I drink. Wheeeee!!!
I'm restless. Wanting to find love again. Like real, blindingly overwhelming, soul crushingly powerful love. I don't know who she is, where she is, or what she looks like, I fucking wish I'd hurry up and find her so I can marry her sweet ass. WHERE YOU AT?!
lol
Pirates 3 was really great. I finally got a copy of Hero with a Thousand Faces (!!), which I am gleefully marking the hell out of in the margins. I've been waiting so damned long to get my hands on that book.
Cheers all.
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